Fishing with Nite Spoons

by R. D. Figgins

Publishers Note: We thought this was so funny we share it gratis.

There are several "rules of the road" that need to be followed in order to have a safe, productive fishing trip while using Dick Nite Spoons.

We all want to go out and have a relaxing, enjoyable time while fishing. Like everything else, we need to follow rules in order to assure ourselves a good trip. The rules, as seen by us, are as follows:

1. Always purchase and use Dick Nite Spoons. This will assure you of a productive day fishing each time you go!

2. Regarding rule #1, there are several things that you must be aware of that should be considered safety issues.

a. While fishing from a boat, be warned - there is a problem with Dick Nites. If you are wearing reflective sunglasses, keep your tackle box closed while trolling. The reason for this is simple; fish will see the Dick Nites in your tackle box reflected in your glasses and swamp the boat trying to get at them. This can be a hopelessly unbelievable story to convince your friends of. They'll assume you lost the boat in a crap-shoot or something and give you as much credence in the future as a prospective rock star gets from his banker-father.

b. We recommend that when fishing with Dick Nite Spoons, you carry a large caliber hand gun. Fish caught on Dick Nites are often many times larger than the fisherman and his boat! The handgun will assist you in subduing the fish in order to tow it to shore or a nearby processing ship. If the weapon fails to bring the fish under control, we recommend quickly snapping a picture of it (or the portion that will fit into the viewfinder of your camera) and then cutting the line. The fishermen who have attempted to lash the fish to the stern and tow it while alive have been seen attempting to convince people about how they lost their boat. (See rule #2a)

3. When you do get the boat and fish to shore, there are a couple of different ways of transporting the monstrosity home (providing you think your wife/husband will allow it in the house/yard!).

a. Lash the fish to the top of your vehicle. This will work in some instances, but in most cases the fish is too slippery for even the most experienced knotsman.

b. In the event #3a is not practical, we recommend gutting the fish while leaving the head in-tact. At this point, lash the opened fish over your vehicle, head forward, with the tail supported by your trailer. This will put your windshield directly behind the fishes eyes. You can then safely drive home while looking through the fish eyes.

(Cautionary note 1: Objects in the fishes eyes are much larger than they seem, so you may wish to drive somewhat more slowly than normal. If you drive a 1985 or newer vehicle, you are accustomed to this concept in your passenger side rear-view mirror.)

(Cautionary note 2: Since you will be unable to utilize your rear- view mirror, it is a good idea to listen for sirens! (However, policemen are generally hesitant about stopping fish driving down the road! They become a part of the unbelievability phenomenon discussed in rule #2a!))

4. Don't be greedy. Take only your fair share of fish each day. Remember that there are fishermen out there who are not aware of, or have been fooled into using something other than, Dick Nite Spoons. They will feel badly if you are getting a hit on each cast and they are still feeding eggs to the fish and showing them the pretty colors on the other lures they have so mistakenly believed would catch fish.

5. If you should see a fellow fisherman in trouble - his spouse grumbling about the cold, wanting to go in to go "potty" & making comments about the fisherman's ability to do anything right, do him a favor - give him a Dick Nite! Let him enjoy what is left of his day! Let him catch one he has to lash to the top of his car! You'll feel better, he'll feel better, and most of all WE'll feel better!

6. Finally, in order for Dick Nites to work, remember - YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THESE THINGS WET! They will do you absolutely no good sitting in your tackle box!